

Civility Toolkit Conflict is normal and neutral. How do we manage it to make it most productive for everyone? Compromise does not equal losing Arguments tend to block meaning Ten civility strategies when views differ The Three Unspoken Conversations always taking place during a conflict: How do they impact what is expressed and understood? The “What Happened” Conversation: Talking to oneself about who said/did what, and who’s to blame The Feelings Conversation: Are my feelings valid, appropriate? What do I do about that person’s feelings? The Identity Conversation: Does this conflict mean I am competent, loved, good, worthy, I belong, or the opposite? When they question actions, are they questioning my rights to be here and be who I am? The Three Assumptions vs. benefit of the doubt The Truth Assumption: I am right and you are wrong The Intention Invention: When the other person’s intentions are unclear a common perception is that they are bad The Blame Frame: Believing the other is to blame for the problem The above material was derived from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Stone, Patton, Heen & Fisher, Penguin Group, 1999. Are people perceiving me the way I want to be perceived? Perceptions involve both people. What messages am I sending? How do differences in personality impact perceptions? How can my consciousness of this help people perceive me more accurately? Respond effectively to e-mail messages

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