Elyse Lemaire: Last Lecture

The following lecture was presented by Elyse Lemaire on Tuesday, November 19, 2002, at a series entitled: “If This Were The Last Lecture I Would Give, What Would I Say?” organized by the Multi-faith Council of the University of Massachusetts Lowell.

Before I start my lecture, let me ask you to do a little exercise. Think about a belief that is as antithetical to your thinking as you can imagine. A way of thinking that is maybe even abhorrent to you. Now hold that thought. We'll come back to this later.

When I began to think about what I wanted to talk about during this Last Lecture, I thought of different things and asked different people what they thought. It was interesting to hear the various things that people thought were appropriate to a Last Lecture. One person I talked to even suggested that I present a piece that was being circulated on the Internet, some dime store nuggets of advice, billed as Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT. His concluding piece of advice–according to this article–was to always floss your teeth. Anyway, as I talked to more people and thought about it more, I came to the conclusion that what was being called for was a philosophy of life.

Trying to find a way to articulate my philosophy of life in two weeks' time is not an easy task. It certainly got me thinking. It helped me to clarify my thinking. And I guess what I have come up with is something along the lines of: STAY OPEN-MINDED.

This sounds good, but what does this mean? What does it really mean to be open-minded? And why do I think that this is so important? There are probably many people in the world who would say that they are open-minded and I might not agree. Who is right? Are either of us right? Are both of us right?

As many of you know, I am a psychologist, a therapist. And of course, it is our stock in trade to be open-minded, non-judgmental. Therapists always have to see–or at least try to see–all sides of an argument, whether it is a marital conflict, an altercation with a police officer, or a choice of careers. Sometimes this is easy, such as when first you hear the husband's side of the story and that sounds reasonable and then you hear the wife's side of the story and that sounds reasonable and so you can be empathetic to both sides. That is easy enough. But what about the times when you're talking to a client and they have been mean to a child? Or stolen some money from an innocent person? That is not so easy. It is hardest to be empathetic in a situation where your inner being screams out that the other person is wrong. But, it is the role of the therapist to be open-minded and non-judgmental about whatever a person says. The only exceptions are when a client is suicidal, homicidal, or physically abusing a vulnerable person. Then we have to take a stand, as our society's sanctions against these behaviors is very strong. So being open-minded is something that I struggle with in my professional, as well as personal, life. I know that a lot of folks who have given a Last Lecture have talked about issues or struggles that have to do with their field–music or psychology or whatever. I guess if one really loves one's field, that is how your mind always works .

Without waxing too autobiographical, let me say a little about my growing up in the South. Granted, Virginia–where I grew up–is not deep South, but it was South enough. I grew up back in the '50s and '60s when racism and prejudice were just beginning to be confronted in people's everyday lives. The desegregation of public schools was taking place. Blacks, as they were called then, were moving into white neighborhoods and separate facilities of all types were fading. As a child, I heard about these things, mostly from my parents. They reported them, of course, with their point of view. I spent most of my time with my mother. Now, my mother certainly had faults but was basically a loving and devoted and intelligent parent. I loved her unconditionally. I wanted to believe whatever she told me about the world. I tended to adopt her world view as most children do. She would frequently tell me stories about her summers in Georgia, her father's job with the Norfolk and Western Railroad and other things that she fondly remembered. She would also tell me about the big bad Abraham Lincoln. How he freed the slaves in the South but not in the North and how he generally ruined lives of all Southerners. Thomas Jefferson and Robert E. Lee were her heroes. As I got older, however, I started realizing that I thought differently about some of these issues. As I said, I really loved my mother, so it was a big task for me to start thinking differently from how she thought. I came to realize that I didn't share her beliefs about Lincoln and other things. I eventually even chose to commit the unpardonable sin of moving to the North. I am not kidding you when I say that my mother never fully forgave me for this. She still loved me, but she never really understood my choice.

My point is not that "I saw the light " and that everyone in the South is a closed-minded racist and everyone in the North is an open-minded saint. Obviously, there are closed-minded people in the North just as there are anywhere. The busing problems in South Boston are evidence of this. My point is that when I think back on this choice, it seems to me that this was one of my first life experiences that led me to understand the importance of being open-minded. I could see my mother's point of view and then I developed my point of view and eventually was able to understand how people on two very different sides of an argument can think they're right.

Other life experiences have taught me about being open-minded in other ways. As many of you know, over the past ten years I have developed a chronic muscle problem. And it is one of those medical problems in which the symptoms are vague and variable, with no one clear diagnosis explaining everything. It is one of those medical problems of which, in the past, I might have been suspicious. I might have thought that the symptoms were all "in somebody's head". I remember when I was planning my wedding ten years ago, one of my friends who was going to be a bridesmaid suffered from environmental allergies. Environmental allergies is another one of those poorly understood medical problems with vague and variable symptoms. Anyway this woman was unable to wear any cloth that was not a hundred percent natural–no man-made fibers. So when I was attempting to select bridesmaids' dresses, I had a difficult time. None were to be found that met that criteria. I remember getting very frustrated and thinking to myself, "Can't she just wear nylon for a few hours? If she really wanted to, she would do this for me." Now I see things very differently. Obviously, going through an experience oneself helps one to see another point of view. And the experiences don't always have to be first person... they can be had through another person, or even through a book sometimes. Thinking about it in this way, that's one of the values of education–exposing people to other points of view. I've tried to incorporate this thinking and how I handle erroneous thoughts or prejudice about my disability. I try to remember that I need to educate others about problems like mine and that keeps me from getting too angry or defensive. Of course this is easier to do when the prejudice doesn't impact one's life too much.

Various other life experiences, such as having children and experiencing my mother's death, have enlightened me–not because I was close-minded about them but just because they have helped me to realize that there are a lot of things that I don't know about and don't understand. Going through them has emphasized to me that we all are limited in our knowledge. Someone smarter than me, Socrates, once said "The beginning of wisdom is to know that we do not know."

Being open-minded is partly about realizing our limitations as humans. Sensory limitations included. I have a girlfriend who is very much into New Age phenomena. I, on the other hand, am very scientifically minded. My training was in a medical model view of man and if there is any way that I am closed in my thinking now, it is in this scientific viewpoint. My girlfriend and I have talked a lot about our different points of view, and she often tries to persuade me that things like channeling are legitimate. One way that I help myself be open to her thinking is to think about the spectrum of colors that human eyes are capable of seeing. Humans are not capable of seeing ultraviolet or infrared light. But we have evidence and know that those kinds of light waves do exist. So there are things in the world that we are not able to perceive. The flip side of this is that sometimes our senses give us information that is false. Hallucinations, and by this I mean even hallucinations that normal people see, people that are not psychotic–such as water on the road on a very hot sunny day–occur all the time. So our senses are not always accurate. To me, this means that there is no knowledge that can not be questioned or doubted.

After all, let's not forget that human beliefs change over time. There was a time when everyone assumed that the sun rotated around the earth. This looked obvious. People in olden times would probably have said they had proof of this; our eyes told us that this was true. But now we believe something else. I do now believe that the earth rotates around the sun, but I am also open to the idea that this could be wrong. A culture's beliefs are dictated by the current state of knowledge–and as we have seen, this changes.

One of the problems with being very open-minded is: how is it possible to ever have definite opinions? If I just said that we should doubt everything, what should we believe? This is a tough one. I think the answer is that you give it your best shot. You have a belief and you hold to it, but in the back of your mind you always know that you could be wrong or at least limited in your understanding. You try to stay open to the idea that other points of view could have some validity. For example, I tend to be politically liberal. I believe that liberal policies are the best way for this country to go. However, I can simultaneously know that I may not have all the pertinent information with which to form my opinions. I remember, too, that earlier in my life I was more conservative, and that did not make me a bad person or one with malicious intent and that for these and other reasons, I need to REALLY listen to Mitt Romney and then decide what to think about his opinions. Being open-minded does not mean having no opinions or opinions that change with the wind; it means holding opinions–perhaps holding them dearly–and still listening with an open mind to contrary ideas.

Life is complicated. We, as humans trying to understand our world, tend to see it in its most simple terms; it is easier to understand in simple terms. That is why stereotypes occur. But life is not black-and-white. It unfolds in shades of gray. That is why someone like Lyndon Johnson is hard to peg. From all accounts, he could be a vicious and mean person. But he did manage to introduce and persuade Congress to pass certain laws that I feel moved civilization along; his civil rights legislation is the primary example. So do I think of him as a good guy? Or a bad guy? The answer that I feel is right is that he is a gray guy. Or a black and white striped guy.

Okay, let's now go back the exercise I asked you do at the beginning of this lecture. This is really an exercise about learning to play devil's advocate. Take the belief that occurred to you and try to see its point of view.

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Elyse Lemaire is a counselor at the Counseling Center, UMass Lowell.